Elevation
by dragonpearlz
Summary: It's time for Obi-Wan to be elevated to knight. Slowly, Qui-Gon becomes sick with an illness that affects each master/padawan differently. How will Obi-Wan respond when his master is depressed and showing flu ish symptoms. Lisa is an OC. Pair: Obi/Qui
1. Preparations

Master Jinn stretched his aching muscles just a little bit further to properly secure the supports for the lighting

Master Jinn stretched his aching muscles just a little bit further to properly secure the supports for the lighting. Although Obi-wan has said he'd prefer a private knighting ceremony, by the time they had decided on an acceptable guest list it was anything but private.

"Hep-Tisssh!" he sneezed freely. He blinked in surprise. He didn't even feel that one coming.

"Dusty up there?" Lisa asked from below. She could tell that Master Jinn's energy had been fast depleating since the decision had been made to elevate Obi-wan to knighthood. She recalled feeling the same thing from her own master just before her elevation. It seemed to be common for the Master of the elevated knight to become sick just before or after the ceremony; though for the life of her she couldn't understand why.

"Hep-Tissh!" he sneezed freely again, as if in reply. He sniffed liquidly. "Yes, thank you," he replied gruffly. He appreciated the way she showed her concern, and that she didn't way anything that would allude that he was getting sick.

He recalled nearly six months earlier when she had been elevated. Master Adi Mundi had contracted a horrendous case of Amadalyn Flu. He recalled how gently she took care of him before, during and after her ceremony – proving that they were correct in their decision to elevate her in the first place. H e remembered watching her guide her master so gently that seldom few he was anywhere near as ill as he was. He recalled her passing a handkerchief to him so carefully that most people thought he really did just drop a napkin.

He knew it was common for Masters to fall ill just before or after they elevate their padawans. Master's generally give up everything for their padawan's upbringing – outside relationship, friends outside the order, love… And, when the person they had given it all up for came to the point of moving on, Masters would often feel both joy and sad. Although they felt joyous for their padawan's gain, they were saddened for their personal loss. Depending on the amount of balance in each emotion would make their body's react either manically – if joyous, or ill – if saddened.

His thought drifted back to Adi Mundi and he wondered if Lisa ever realized what had made him so horribly ill. He supposed not.

He climbed down the ladder and stared up at his handiwork. Finally, the lighting was even. He scrubbed at his nose absent-mindedly.

"You'd best get some rest, Master Jinn," Lisa said, quietly coming up beside him.

"I'm fine," he said, looking around the room. There was still so much to be done. And, while Lisa, Adi Mundi, and Mace were being extremely helpful, he wanted everything to be perfect.

"Master Jinn," she said, her voice quiet but firm.

He sighed, and gave her a half smile. "Lisa, really – Qui-Gon was acceptable when you were a padawan." He lowered his voice, "Whether your Master ever found out or not." Speaking normally he continued, "It is not only acceptable, but expected now. We are equals, you and I."

Lisa smiled, but she didn't feel like an equal. "Qui-Gon. Get some rest. I think we both know what's coming. If you conserve your strength now, you may be able to stave off any…undue stress until after the ceremony."

Qui-Gon smiled. He couldn't have put that better himself. "Yes, of course." He yawned widely.

"I'll walk you home," Mace said, gently clapping Qui-Gon on the shoulder. He had gone through this himself. And, while he had been surprised by Adi Mundi's response to Lisa's elevation, he knew how deeply Qui-Gon cared for Obi-Wan.


	2. Sick

Qui-Gon stood in front of the bathroom mirror and looked at himself in the still foggy mirror. The hot shower had helped break up some of the congestion that he had woken up with, but with that, "Hep-Tissssh!" came the sneezing.

He groaned against the tightening feeling in his throat and chest. His head pounded and he wondered if this was how Adi Mundi had felt before Lisa's elevation. "Hep-Tisssh!" His head snapped forward sending his silvering brown hair tumbling over his shoulders.

"Master?" Obi-Wan's ever vigilant, caring voice called into the fresher.

There was no use hiding the illness from Obi-Wan. His padawan was far to vigilant for him not to have noticed already. Silently, he opened the door.

Obi-Wan looked upon his Master's strong yet aging body. His eyes glazed over the towel that Qui-Gon had tied around his waste, and he immediately noticed the goosebumps that ran over the older man's body. His skin was mottled with cold, even though the fresher was still warm and steamy.

Slowly, Obi-Wan approached him. "Master? Are you ill?" he asked quietly. In the nearly two decades that they had been bonded, he had seldom seen his Master ill. Now, one day before his knighting ceremony his Master was feverish and sneezing.

"I am… not…yet…Hep-Tissh!" He coughed lightly. "The day after tomorrow. I'll be ill the day after tomorrow."

Having fallen ill several times before, Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow at him. That wasn't the way getting sick worked. If you were sick, it fell upon you when the illness was ready – not when the body was ready. In fact, in his experience, illness typically hit when the body was the least ready. "Yes, Master." He took a towel off of the rack and placed it over his Master's shoulders. "You need to keep warm. Whether you're sick now or later, I'll take care of you. You're not going to be alone during this." Before he could stop himself he reached up on his tip-toes and kissed Qui-Gon on the cheek.

Both men flushed with embarrassment. While they always used touch to communicate love and respect, kissing had not come into the picture since Obi-Wan was old enough to take care of his nightmares and clean himself up after training accidents.

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Qui-Gon coughed lightly as his entered the presentation hall. The team had assembled earlier that morning and finished the decorations. All that was left for Qui-Gon to do was the walk through.

Lisa and Mace stood in the center of the room awaiting his final decisions.

"Wow, you've been busy," Qui-Gon said, as they took him around the room.

"You left very detailed instructions," Lisa said. She had placed a hand on the small of his back and gently pushed healing energy through it.

Mace chuckled. "Detailed…" he muttered.

Qui-Gon looked confused for a moment and then realized, "I didn't leave directions, did I?"

"Nope," Lisa confirmed. "Luckily, I was the only one who hadn't put one of these together before."

He saw the humor in what they were saying, but the bleariness in his head and the congestion in his chest and the sneeze in his nose kept him too distracted to respond.

Lisa noticed and stopped pushing healing energy through him.

As soon as she stopped, the sneezes exploded out of him. "Hep-Tissh! Heptisssh! Tissh!" He stumbled forward, but caught himself on Mace's arm.

"Easy there," Mace soothed, as he helped him straighten up.

Lisa stepped in front of Qui-Gon. She caught the look in his eyes and side stepped just before he sneezed again. "Hep-Tissh!" he sneezed freely. "I'b sorry." He sniffed.

She reappeared in front of him. "No worries," she said, taking in the color of his pallor and the redness on the tip of his nose and the tips of his ears. "Are you going to be okay?" she whispered.

"I just have to make it through tomorrow," he replied.

She nodded. "Come find me in the infirmary if you need to afterwards," she offered.

He nodded. "Thangs." He reached out and squeezed her arm.

She noticed how much weaker his grip was versus the day before. Her memory flashed back to her knighting ceremony. By this time her Master could barely walk. In comparison to him, Qui-Gon was doing quite well. However, in comparison to how he was the day before, he was getting sicker faster than she thought he could maintain it.

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After a final walk through of the hall, Qui-Gon had told the other two that there was nothing else that he wanted to change. In truth, he was getting too tired and weak to continue with the decorations – even if the lights weren't completely straight.

"What is it, Qui?" Mace asked, after Lisa had left. He knew that something had to have changed to make Qui-Gon's balance go so terribly awry so quickly.

"He kissed me."

"What?"

"Obi-Wan. When he discovered I was unwell. He… he kissed me." His nose twitched with an impending sneeze.

"Where?"

"On the cheek. But… Hep-Tisssh! Tisssh!"

"Bless you, Qui." Mace took a deep breath. Try as he might, Qui-Gon was unable to hide his true feelings for Obi-Wan. After the knighthood ceremony, Obi-Wan would be at liberty to pursue Qui-Gon. But, it was understood that the Masters would not pursue their padawan's – no matter how much they loved them.


	3. The Ceremony

The room was filled with Jedi and Senators alike. Qui-Gon smiled as he walked through the room greeting those who chose to come to share this very special day with he and Obi-Wan. He noticed that the lights had been straightened and the vanilla scented candles were replaced with non-scented ones. Something he mentally reminded himself to thank Mace for later. He had been able to keep his symptoms at bay for most of the day. While he still felt cold and foggy, he released his outward symptoms to the force, and focused his remaining energy on making this day as psecialy as he could for Obi-Wan.

Qui-Gon beamed as Obi-Wan entered the room. Dressed in his best robes, he looked modestly elegant – a trait held by most Jedi. He met Obi-Wan at the podium and embraced him tightly. He felt the tightness return to his chest and sniffed liquickly as tears sprang to his eyes.

A feeling of acceptance and joy filled the room as the guests looked on in silence.

When they released their hold on each other they noticed the tears in each others eyes.

Qui-Gon noticed the strength and independence in his soon to be former padawan's eyes. Obi-Wan had exceeded his expectations and become stronger than he'd ever thought possible. His pride swelled and he was unable to keep a tear from rolling down his cheek.

When Obi-Wan looked at Qui-Gon he was touched by the joy and pride in his almost form master's eyes. His master was still ill, there was no denying that. The tear that dripped down his cheek told Obi-Wan that his master did not have his usual control over his emotions. He reached up and brushed the tear off Qui-Gon's cheek.

Mace and Adi Mundi stiffed as they watched the color drain from Qui-Gon's face. Before either could react, they saw Lisa at the front of the crowd, getting as close to the podium as she could without drawing attention to herself.

"You trained her well," Mace said quietly.

Adi Mundi nodded. He had long since fallen for his padawan. Her kindness, intuition, and observation skills were second to none. But, she hadn't shown the same type of interest in him. "Perhaps better than I thought," he said, pointing at the podium.

Mace followed his gaze and saw Lisa standing about four feet behind the podium.

They watched as Obi-Wan firmly grasped Qui-Gon's elbow and assisted him to the podium. Adi-Mundi's focus moved to Lisa. She was almost hiding in the shadows, but he could see the focus in her eyes. His heart swelled with pride. She was more of a spy and a healer than he'd never trained her to be. He felt a wave of exhaustion fall over his body.

Mace noticed immediately. Moving even closer and lowering his voice, "Conserve your energy. We need to focus on Qui-Gon today."

They focused their attention back to Qui-Gon, who was rubbing at his nose with a handkerchief.

"I know exactly how he feels," Adi Mundi said sympathetically.

"I know," Mace agreed with the familiarity of an experienced master.

Qui-Gon cleared his through huskily. "Fellow Jedi, Senators, and invited guests, thank you for coming to the most important day in the life of a young man who is very dear to us all." He paused and cleared his throat.

Lisa adjusted her line of vision, but did not move.

"Excuse me," Qui-Gon continued. "Ever since he was an initiate, Obi-Wan Kenobi has surpassed any expectations set forth. His compassion, insight, and connection with the force has made him act with honor, integrity and courage in all situations." Quickly he brought the handkerchief to his face and sneezed heavily into it. "Hess-Chump!"

Obi-Wan, who had been listening with respect and interest, grasped Qui-Gon's shoulder.

"I'm all right," Qui-Gon whispered.

Lisa shook her head and motioned for Mace to step forward, which he started to do.

"Excuse me," Qui-Gon said with a sniffle. "I seem to have fallen into the same trap so mah-many masters do, and run myself down a little too far. So, I will keep this short as we welcome Obi-Wan into the Jedi order and present him with the rant of knighthood." He paused to blow his nose. "Obi-Wah-Wan is loyal to the code and those who abide and live by it. And, most especially, those who don't. He loves unconditionally, and expects only the force to be there in return. He is a great asset to our order and I have only the upmost pride as I induct him into the Order as a Jedi knight."

With a simple snip, he cut Obi-Wan's braid. He felt the fine ginger hair between his fingers, and his breath caught.

Obi-Wan turned around and took Qui-Gon into a warm embrace.

Qui-Gon felt a wave of dizziness hit him and started to shake. Before Obi-Wan could react, Lisa had pulled Qui-Gon away and was talking with him softly.

Mace and Adi Mundi paid their respects to Obi-Wan and went to join Qui-Gon, as Lisa went to speak to Obi-Wan.

"What's wrong with him?" Obi-Wan asked in a low voice laced with worry.

"I'm not sure," Lisa said quietly, her face bright with a ear to ear grin. "But I intend to find out," she added shaking his hand and pushing him towards the masses that waited to great him.

When she turned around, Mace, Adi Mundi, and Qui-Gon were gone.

She made eye contact with Yoda, who waved an open palm at her.

She immediately knew that she had to do, and followed Obi-Wan around the room as he was congratulated, taking care of the little things that cropped up, so that Obi-Wan could enjoy his very special day.


	4. Clean Up

"Heh…eh…" Qui-Gon brought his handkerchief to his face for what had to be the thirtieth time that hour.

"You can't let him affect you like this. You knew he would be knighted someday," Mace said, bringing Qui-Gon a warm cup of tea. His voice was thick with the reason of someone who had been there.

Qui-Gon closed his eyes and tried to release his illness to the force. Mace was correct, of course. He'd always known that he would see Obi-Wan to knighthood. But, he'd never thought it would affect him like this. "Heh-Kessh!" He blew his nose and flopped back on his couch cushions. He groaned as he felt the tickle return almost immediately. "Ki, how did you ged through dis?"

"Slowly. Lisa, being a healer, took it upon herself to stay with me until I'd recovered – which actually prolonged the process. I was overwhelmed by the feeling of loss and love, and I had to keep the feelings between myself and the Force, which is when I wound up in the infirmary for so long. Only when I accepted the fact that Lisa's care and gentleness proved that she did love me – just not in the way I wanted her to. That didn't make her love for me less important, or less real. With that knowledge, and her ongoing support I was able to recover and realize that I didn't lose anything – we just adjusted our relationship." He sniffed and rubbed a finger boyishly under his nose.

Mace and Qui-Gon looked on sympathetically.

"He's right, Qui," Mace said.

Qui-Gon sniffed liquidly. How nice it must have been for Lisa and Ki to be able to so simply adjust. Lisa was a healer, that adjustment was predictable. There was no predictable outcome for him and Obi-Wan.

He looked around his half empty apartment. "Heh-Kessh!" His head snapped forward and his silvering hair tumbled over his shoulders.

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Lisa stood behind Obi-Wan as he was greeted by the Jedi Order. His face showed a bright and proud smile, but his rigid body language told her a different story. He was anxious about Qui-Gon.

Lisa looked around the room. It was starting to empty, but only by those who had come because it was politically correct to. There were still nearly 50 people who were partaking in the buffet and waiting to congratulate Obi-Wan.

She felt bad for Qui-Gon, but she knew it wasn't her place to care for him. It was her place to make sure that everything was taken care of at the ceremony. Without Qui-Gon, Mace, or Ki Adi Mundi there, she knew that nobody would stick around to clean up. And, there was always a mess to clean up.

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Lisa teetered precariously on the shifty ladder as she tried to blow out the candles. She didn't remember it being this difficult to switch out the scented for the unscented candles the day before. Giving up on doing it properly, she snapped her fingers and they went out with the Force.

"Still here are you?" she heard her old master say.

Careful not to lose her footing she lowered herself down. "Just finishing cleaning up."

"A healers work is never done, huh?" he asked, walking over to her.

She noticed immediately that his nose was a little pinked.

"Tired, Master?" she asked, cleaning up the last of the food.

"Dot your, Bast-Hepchh!"

She sighed. "Oh no, not again."

"Sorry. Thoud I'd kicked id."

It had been months. She knew he had kicked this bug. She just didn't know he was so susceptible to catching it again.

She looked around the nearly clean room and sighed. 'The droids can get the rest,' she thought. "Come on, Ki. I'll take you back to your quarters."

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"Qui?" Obi-Wan called softly, as he overrode the sequence to get into his old chambers.

The lights were out, but Obi-Wan moved through the rooms with years of experience. Luckily, enough time hadn't passed for Qui-Gon to change the layout of the main room.

He slipped into Qui-Gon's bedroom. "Qui?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

Qui-Gon snored in response, but did not awake.

Obi-Wan felt his heart melt. How his body ached to hold Qui-Gon in his arms. He'd felt that way for years. He worked hard not show it, and to release his feelings to the force. But, when Qui-Gon was vulnerable like this, he felt the feelings flood his being.

Suddenly, Qui-Gon started awake. "Obi?" he asked. His voice was gruff with sleep.

"Yes." Obi-Wan stepped into the bedroom.

"Hep-Tessshooo!" Qui-Gon sneezed harshly.

"Blessings." Obi-Wan walked over to the bed and sat on the edge. "Qui, you're burning up."

"Hep-Tessshh!" He sniffed congestedly. "I doe."


	5. Taking Care

**Author note – male on male sexual touching to follow. If this offends you, please stop at the '*v*' line.**

Obi-Wan brushed back Qui-Gon's hair. He felt himself grow hard, despite his best efforts to exude caring and concern.

It did not go unnoticed. "I can't be buch to look adt," Qui-Gon whispered stuffily.

Obi-Wan looked at him as his eyes adjusted to the lack of light. Lights from outside cast eerie shadows over Qui-Gon, making him look even more pale and drawn than he already was. Dark circles which had formed underneath his eyes were more pronounced. His heavy eyelids seemed puffy in the false light. And, even the shadows couldn't hide the flush in his cheeks or the redness of his nose.

"You're just as handsome as always," Obi-Wan whispered. He immediately closed his eyes and winced. He hadn't meant to say that. There was no use denying the feelings any longer. He'd just said exactly what was on his mind.

An exhausted, husky laugh turned into deep husky coughs. "By Obi-Wah—haah-Hetchhhhshhh!"

The sneeze was wet and uncontrolled. Part of the spray hit Obi-Wan in the chest, but he didn't flinch as he watched Qui-Gon's body collapse in response to the sneeze.

"Ohhh, Obi…" Qui-Gon groaned miserably. If he didn't think he could feel worse, he was wrong. Not only did the illness seem to want to take a turn for the worse: raising his fever and making his whole body feel heavy, like he was being weighted by sand. And, now, the humiliation of not only Obi-Wan seeing him this weak, but sneezing on him was letting depression, the likes of which he'd never known settle in his bones.

Although their bond was diminished with the cutting of his Padawan braid, Obi-Wan could still feel his shame and remorse.

"Hey, hey," he said, pulling Qui-Gon into him. "None of that. There's nothing for you to be so sad over."

He could feel Qui-Gon shake in his arms.

"What's so fun…" he started, and then noticed the wetness on his shoulder. 'Tears?' he thought. In all their years together, he had only ever seen his Master cry, at the death and funeral of Master Tahl. He couldn't think of what loss could be so great that it would make him cry.

"Hey," Obi-Wan whispered into Qui-Gon's ear. "What is it?" Before he could stop himself he let the tip of his tongue lightly trace Qui-Gon's earlobe.

He heard Qui's breathing stutter, and he pressed his own thigh as he felt himself begin to swell. He whimpered in protest. He'd kept his feelings to himself all this time, but it didn't look like he would be keeping his secret another night. The Force certainly works in mysterious ways.

As Qui-Gon felt the guttural whimper from his former Padawan, he felt a part of him twitch that hadn't in over 15 years. He gasped in surprise and arousal. "Obi…n…Hesshh!" He sneezed into Obi-Wan's shoulder.

Slowly, he pulled himself away from Obi-Wan. "I'm…s…s…Hassshessh!" His head snapped forward with the velocity of the sneeze.

Obi-Wan pulled a tissue off of the bedside table. "Here," he said, tenderly handing it over.

"Thangs," Qui-Gon replied stuffily. He buried his nose into the tissue and blew it until he couldn't anymore. Tears ran from his eyes. He felt like he was in a dream. He had yearned for Obi-Wan to touch him like this for years. But, now, when that dream was delivered, he was too ill to enjoy it. He threw away the tissue and leaned back against his pillows.

He sighed heavily. "Oh, Obi…"

Acting on impulse and trusting in the Force, Obi-Wan leaned forward and kissed Qui-Gon passionately. He felt Qui-Gon push back, their tongues lashing at each other.

Suddenly, Qui-Gon pulled back. "Haressshhh! Heptesshhh! Aaressshhh!" He cupped his hands over his mouth and continued to sneeze violently. "Harshhh! Arechhhh! Heptesshh!"

Obi-Wan gently pushed Qui-Gon over and climbed in the bed beside him. Holding him close, he murmured softly, "Shhh…let them come. I'll hold you."

Fighting the instinct to pull away, Qui-Gon let himself be held. He didn't like to be coddled, but Obi-Wan didn't know that. Pushing Obi-Wan away now would be a travesty. It could end this dream…this almost perfect dream.

*v*v*v*v*v*v*v*v*v*v*v*v*v*v*v*v*v*v*v*v*v*v*v*v*v*v*v*v*v*v*v*v*

When the sneezing finally stopped, Obi-Wan handed Qui tissue after tissue until his nose was finally relieved of the tickle. He sighed. And shuddered as Qui-Gon wrapped his arms around him.

"Obi-Wan? Are you asleep?"

Obi-Wan pried his eyes open.

"I'b sorry. Were you asleeb?" Qui-Gon asked.

Obi-Wan smiled. "Dreaming."

Qui-Gon held Obi-Wan close. "Go back to sleeb. We both need idt."

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"We're here, Master," Lisa said, leading Adi Mundi into his chambers.

"Hep-tissh! Thang you." He coughed lightly, and sat down on his couch.

Lisa looked him over and sighed. "Oh, Ki. What am I going to do with you?"

Adi Mundi swallowed his shame. To have his former padawan take care of him not once, but possibly twice…it was more than he could bear.

"Nothig," he answered abruptly. "Go, Lisa. I'll sleeb it off."

"Ki, I didn't leave your side last time. You know I'll take good care of you this time," she said, moving towards his kitchen. "I'll brew you up some tea, and we'll kick this thing early."

"No."

"No? Oh, Ki. Just go into your bed chambers. You know the drill."

"No. You are not my Padawan anymore and I no longer require your services. If you care for me and my dignity, you will go right now."

"You're fever's going up," Lisa responded with the patience of one who had gone through this before.

"Leave now, Lisa!" Adi Mundi bellowed, standing up abruptly.

Lisa blinked in surprise.

"These are no longer your chambers and you are not welcome here. Thank you for your assistance, but I am insisting you leave."

She swallowed and tried desperately to release her hurt to the Force.

But, it didn't work. Adi Mundi knew her too well. He could see her hurt in her eyes, and it took all of his willpower not to apologize immediately.

With a short bow, she bid him a good night and left his chambers.


	6. Outbursts

Qui-Gon woke up with a congested snort. He had slept awfully, but he wasn't complaining. Every time he would drift off, he would worry that he had hallucinated it all, and would awaken with a start. But, Obi-Wan was always right there, snuggled into him, holding him securely.

He wrapped his arms around Obi-Wan and sighed. A cough escaped from his chest, but Obi-Wan was sound asleep. He smiled. 'Good,' he thought, as a gentle force induced sleep fell over him.

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"Har-ETSSHHH!" Adi Mundi sneezed violently, spraying his hands over the wad of tissues he held in front of him. He groaned as he fell back onto his pillows. He had relapsed – entirely. But, this time he had to deal with it alone. And he was disgusted with himself for that fact. His dreams were fitful and he kept seeing or more precisely feeling Lisa's hurt as he banished her from his presence. She was too well trained to show anything outwardely. But, the fact that she not only had left, but not returned was a testament to how hurt she was.

Fear…

The thought left him cold inside. He thought of his actions the night before. The anger he had aimed at her. In all his years of training her, he had never gotten angry – aggravated, yes, but never angry.

"Har-ETGESTCH!!" The sneeze seemed to rip from his chest and threw him forward. He coughed deeply an took a sip of water. He cringed as the warm water hit his throat. He had expected it to be cool. But, of course, Lisa was always the one who made sure it was cool. And, because of his actions, she wasn't there.

He pulled his blankets tighter around him and tried to release his illness to the force. Instead, his head started to pound.

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"Qui, I know you're not hungry, but you have to have a little broth for me," Obi-Wan pleaded.

Qui-Gon turned a pale shade of green and gagged. A blush of embarrassment rose in his cheeks.

"What if I put it in a cup and you sipped it like tea?"

That didn't sound so bad. Qui-Gon nodded.

"Where did you learn that?" Qui-Gon asked, as Obi-Wan handed him the soup.

"You took excellent care of me," Obi-Wan answered.

Qui-Gon took a sip of the soup and shook his head. "Id's dot ond of my tricks," he said, as the steam from the soup started to break up his congestion.

Obi-Wan smiled. "Well, all of the years being friends with Lisa has taught me a thing or two." He noticed the apprehension in Qui-Gon's eyes and traded out the cup for a handkerchief.

"Asschump!" Qui-Gon used the handkerchief immediately. "Apparently," he said.

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"Just hush now," Lisa said, soothing a first year padawan. The young tweelik tried to stifle her tears, but she had torn herself up pretty badly in a fall while she was playing outside.

"Is my Master coming?" she asked in her best brave voice.

"I'm sure she'll be here soon. Until then, you can wait in here," Lisa answered, as she fixed up the last of the lacerations. "Here," she said, handing the young girl a drink that was listed in her file as her favorite.

"Lisa?" the head healer came into her room. "Can I see you for a moment?"

Lisa left the young girl happily sipping her drink and followed the healer out into the hallway.

"What can I do for you Marilyn?" she asked.

"Here," she said handing her a mini holoprojector. "Master Adi Mundi dropped this off and asked for us to give it to you."

Lisa took the projector and played the message.

"Do you want me to go?" Marilyn asked.

Lisa shook her head, as a static figure of Adi Mundi appeared. A handkerchief was clutched tightly in his hand and she could see that his breathing was labored, even before he started to speak. He started the transmission with a harsh wet sneeze, caught open palmed in the handkerchief. "Excuse me," he began, his voice deepened and strained. "I could not wait another moment to state what is on my mind." He blew his nose quickly, but it did not afford him much relief. He sighed and shivered, tucking his hands into the sleeves of his robes. "I apologize for my actions last night. They were unacceptable, an-an-heh…ah…oh…" The handkerchief came back up to his face. "Herchumphff!" Louder and more violent, he shook under the strain of the sneeze.

Lisa wondered why he had not done this sitting down.

"I need help. But, I do not want to go back to the healing dome. Please do not ask me to do so. I uddersta- uh-oh… Hesshumff!" A wet sneeze interrupted his plea. "Hesshumpff!" And another. "Heh-hah-hah-esshumff!" And other. He blew his nose with an uncharacteristic honk and rubbed a hand over his weary face. "Lisa," his voice hand softened and he dropped the formalities. "I understand why you won't come. But, please send someone you trust.

She watched him start to pant again as he reached for the comm. Board. The transmission ended halfway through a sneeze that seemed to start in his chest and Lisa winced.

She looked at Marilyn. "I have to go," she said, leaving no room for discussion.

Marilyn nodded and walked into the room to check on the young Tweelik.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

"Hesshump!" Qui-Gon sneezed, heavily.

"Blessings! Are you sure you don't want to go to the healing dome?"

"Obi, I'm dot an invalid. I doe whad this is, and there's nothing they can do for me." He brought the handkerchief to his face as his breath started to hitch again. "Hek-ah-shump!" He felt a hand in his hair and relaxed as Obi-wan ran a Force diagnostic. "How much time did you spend with Lisa?" he asked.

"I stayed with her fairly often when Master Adi Mundi took ill. She was insistant that very few, including the healers, see him in such a weakened state. I learned a lot from her."

"That's good." He sniffed liquidly. He remembered how worried all the Masters were about her Master. He felt a great surge of pride that his Obi-Wan held enough of her trust that she had allowed him to help. His nostrils twitched with an impending sneeze. He felt a handkerchief be put to his face, and he sneezed violently into it.

"No!" he exclaimed, pulling the handkerchief out of Obi-Wan's hand. "I know you didn't learn that from her. That's just humiliating. I'm not an invalid!" His eyes started to tear and he sneezed violently, catching it himself this time.

"I'm sorry," Obi-Wan stated. He had learned that from Lisa. But, he had also given his word that he would never tell anyone how bad off Master Adi Mundi truly had been. "I never meant to make you feel like an invalid."

Qui-Gon nodded his acceptance and looked at his handkerchief in disgust.

"Here, let me get you another one," Obi-Wan said, going into the bedroom.

Qui-Gon was flattered that he had noticed. It was nice to be card for. But, he was sickened with his outburst. Humiliating as the act was, nobody else had witnessed it. It wasn't he who was owed the apology. On the contrary, it was he who owed it.


	7. Control

"Hak-keshh!" Adi Mundi awoke as the sneeze ripped from his chest and tickled his sinuses. "Heh-eh…", he tried to suppress the sneeze, but found himself completely unable to do so. "Hek-kessh!" He reached for a tissue and realized that he had been covered with a blanket. He knew that his trip to the Healing Dome had drained his energy completely. He hadn't even made it back to his bed, before he fell asleep on the couch.

He looked at his water. Ice had been added. The healer had come.

"Thank you," he stated to whomever had come to his aid.

"You're very welcome," Lisa answered, entering the room with his favorite blend of tea.

"Lisa?" he asked, surprised. "You came?"

"How little you must think of me, my Master," she answered, taking a seat beside him, and handing him his tea.

"What?" he asked, surprised. "How could I?" He couldn't imagine a Master being more proud of a Padawan. She was his bragging right – if he ever wanted to brag. And, the only person he ever felt pride regarding.

"To think that I would not come to your aid. To think that I would walk away entirely, not just to grant you your space. How cold and uncaring you must find me." She sighed sadly. "I'm sorry for failing you so awefully."

He choked as he felt the air get squeeze out of his chest. "No," he whispered.

"It's all right, Master Adi Mundi. I'm here now. Don't you worry about it."

A coldness washed over him as she called him 'Master Adi Mundi'. That was a formality that they had not used since she was his new padawan.

"I think I should go to bed," he said.

"Um, okay," she answered. She could tell by the flush in his cheeks that his fever was far too high for him to be able to walk. But, she wasn't about to dissuade him from doing anything, or take the chance of making him feel worse.

But, as soon as he stood, his stomach lurched and felt himself break into a cold sweat. "No," he breathed, sitting back down. He swallowed against the waves of nausea that still gripped him.

Helping him lay back down on the couch, she asked the question she'd been wanting to ask since the first time he was sick. "What is it Master? What has you so off balance that you've lost this much control?"

"I'm not out of control," he said, falling into slumber.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

"No…Obi…please….please… no…"

"Obi-Wan awoke to Qui-Gon's sobs and pleas. Feverish beads of sweat mixed with the tears, as he sobbed – his chest heaving under the strain.

"Master, wake up. It's okay, I'm here."

Not waking up, Qui-Gon continued to beg, "Obi- I'm sorry… so … sorry… Don't leave, please… I'm just an old fool… I didn't mean to take you for granted. I didn't mean to… so so sorry…"

"Master, I'm right here," Obi-Wan said pulling Qui-Gon into his arms. "You're safe, and I'm not leaving. I love you."

A flush rose in his cheeks as he realized what he had said. But, the words calmed Qui-Gon immediately. And, Obi-Wan fell asleep with him, feeling so light now that the words that he had carried for years had finally been said.


	8. The Truth

Adi Mundi tossed again. He stifled a sneeze and felt his sinuses clog. An urgent tickle immediately flooded his nasal passages and throat. "Atchfresshhh!" he sneezed, completely unrestrained. He groaned and blew his nose, feeling the pressure release immediately.

"Master?" Lisa asked, coming into his view.

'How little you must think of me, Master,' he heard in his head.

"Do you need anything?" she asked tenderly.

He sighed. He needed to tell her the truth.

"The truth about what?" she asked.

He tried to raise his mental shields, but was too exhausted.

"I apologize, Master. I shouldn't have betrayed your mental trust like that. Here, I'll give you one of my thoughts that you shouldn't hear. /Is that why you think so little of me?/

Immediately, Adi Mundi was filled with guilt. "Heh-shhh! Kep-Shhh! Hep…Tesshhh!" Each sneeze rocked him forward and involuntary tears sprang to his eyes.

"Blessings, Master." Lisa tried to pass him a handkerchief, but he couldn't see it through his tears.

"Eh-heh-HAH- Pestisshhh!" The fit finally ended and he weakly took the handkerchief. After blowing his nose and cleaning up his sneeze sprayed hands, he bowed his head.

Lisa sighed. She was about to ask him what else she could do for him when she noticed his shoulders shaking.

"Ki? Are… are you crying?" she asked, the surprise evident in her voice. In all their years together she had never seen him cry. In fact, long before she had convinced herself that Cereans didn't have the ability.

"Lisa," he recanted through his sobs, "I'm not ashamed of you. I'm in love with you."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Twenty five years had gone by in the blink of an eye. Anakin's betrayal. The fall of the Jedi Order. It had all gone by so quickly that Qui-Gon could barely recall it.

He and Obi-Wan were living on Tatooine watching over Anakin's son, Luke. The fall of the Order was devastating to the Republic, but no one took it as hard as Qui-Gon. Depression that would not lift had settled in nearly two decades earlier, and Obi-Wan had grown used to his bondmate's mental anguish over it. Wht he had not grown used to was the Jembecks Disease that not ate away at Qui-Gon's mind.

The depression had sparked it off – as it always did. They had seen Luke in the market place, and Obi-Wan knew that it was going to be a heart wrenching night.

No sooner had they arrived home than it started.

"He looks like Anakin."

"Yes, I noticed," Obi-Wan replied, taking the bags out of Qui-Gon's arms.

Qui-Gon sighed deeply and sat down heavily in his chair. Their home was small: a sitting room/kitchen, a bedroom, and a fresher. Not much bigger than their chambers had been on Coruscant. "I should have listened to you, my Obi-Wan."

The old regrets were starting again.

"Master, you didn't know."

"Master… heh… it was you who was the master of your surroundings. Not I. It was you who knew…on some level… that Anakin was not right for the Order. I should have listened to you.

"It was not my place…" Obi-Wan started. If this was going to be the only argument tonight, it would be an easy one – full of cuddling and caressing at the end. Obi-Wan finished putting their new items away.

"Your place is with me, always with me… and I hurt you, my Obi-Wan. I gave you every reason to leave, and yet you stayed."

This was new. The hurt that Qui-Gon had caused him was his cross to bear. He had never told anyone how betrayed he felt by Qui-Gon's insistence that he be replaced by Anakin.

"Master?"

"I REPLACED you! Didn't you even care!?" Qui-Gon yelled, jumping up and approaching Obi-Wan with violent purpose.

Obi-Wan sighed and tried not to let his nervousness show. That blasted Jembeck's Disease. It brought out anger and smothered the kindness and emotional and mental strength that he had fallen in love with all those years ago. "Of course I did, but I knew that you knew what was best. And I was honored that you thought I was ready for the Trials."

"Ready? I didn't think you were ready. I forgot about you. You were grown up and then there was The Boy. And I FORGOT about you! I stopped caring about what you wanted and needed. I was selfish and only thought of myself." He was alternating between yelling and being sorrowful. He stopped in front of Obi-Wan, his sickly thin frame shaking with anger and sorrow and love. He could feel the love he had for Obi-Wan, buried deep down inside.

The healer had told them that the good emotions would slowly be buried by the bad ones. He said that illnesses would become more prevalent within Qui-Gon, as his immune system crumbled under the strain of the disease. He offered Obi-Wan a support group and gave him a pamphlet which he'd seen Obi-Wan read when he thought nobody was around. Qui-Gon didn't want to know what it said.

"It's over now Master."

"You're leaving me?" Qui-Gon asked quietly, his eyes full of hurt. "Not that I don't deserve it. I've been lucky to have you this long. Go ahead. Get out. I deserve what I get."

Obi-Wan's brow creased in concern. "No, no… it's not like that. The Anakin situation is over. We're still fine."

He wished he meant that. The Anakin situation may have been over, but they were far from fine. The depression had been easy to get used to, once they fell into a pattern. They still lived by the ways of the Force, but were so removed from the society that their skills were hardly necessary anymore. But, that was the least of his concerns.

It had happened infrequently at first. The angry outbursts followed by sorrowful crying. The doubt triggering the fear triggering the violence. Once maybe twice every few months. But, now, it happened at least twice a month. Obi-Wan could never be quite sure what would trigger the episode, but he knew when it happened it would be violent.

The soft, kind, caring person he remembered was disappearing. His bondmate's mental and emotional strength was being replaced with insecure fears. His physical strength was being slowly stolen by illness after illness. He knew Qui-Gon was dying. And more than anything he wanted to be there for him. With him. Throughout the process. To the bitter end.

"Liar!" Qui-Gon yelled, pushing himself into Obi-Wan's space and pushing his shoulders back.

Obi-Wan hit the wall with a thud. He knew the fight was coming, but watching Qui-Gon try to keep up with him broke his heart almost as much as being pushed around by him.

"Qui, I love you," he said, pulling Qui-Gon close.

Qui-Gon struggled against him for a moment before hugging him back. "Oh, Obi… what's wrong with me?" he said in a voice that Obi-Wan recognized as his love.

"Come, we must talk," Obi-Wan said pulling Qui-Gon into the sitting area. "Dr. Zanu gave me brochures about Panpan House – it's a living facility with medical assistance that will know what to do about this... illness." He knew Qui-Gon wouldn't be happy about the suggestion, and neither was he. But, he'd reached his limit. He had to get help for this.

"You're sending me away? Locking me?" The hurt in his voice nearly brought tears to Obi-Wan's eyes.

"No, love. It's not like that. I'll be going with you. They'll give us the resources to deal with your illness."

Qui-Gon said nothing. Only looked at Obi-Wan with hurt, dejected eyes.

"Qui-" Obi-Wan started. He felt Qui-Gon pull back his energy and knew something was coming.

"I hate you!" Qui-Gon screamed as his lunged and Obi-Wan, knocking him off of his chair. They tumbled around the floor for a while: Qui-Gon trying to take his anger and betrayal out on Obi-Wan and Obi-Wan trying to defend himself without hurting Qui. Finally, with a force push reminiscent of the old Qui, he pushed Obi-Wan into the far wall.

Obi-Wan hit it several feet off the ground and fell to the floor with a sickening thump.

He couldn't do this. Not anymore. He needed to step away from the situation. He needed to collect his thoughts. Silently, he got up and looked at his former Master sitting down with a smirk of accomplishment. "I need to go for a walk," he whispered before heading out the door.

The sun set and the moons rose over Tatoonine, but Obi-Wan had not returned home yet. Slowly, the Jembeck's Disease faded into the background and Qui-Gon remembered what had happened. He read over the brochures and resolved to tell Obi-Wan that he was sorry and that they could leave for the Panpan House as soon as the next morning.

But, late into the night, Obi-Wan still hadn't returned home. Worried that he'd gotten caught in a sand storm, or worse, Qui-Gon bundled up and went to look for him. As he was leaving, he noticed something on the wall… blood.

His stomach clenched in knots as he realized how much strength he put into that force push. His eyes followed the smear of blood to the floor where he saw it, Obi-Wan's light saber. Panicked, he headed into the night.

Thankful for his all temperature cloak, a gift from Obi-Wan, and the lantern Obi-Wan insisted they keep even though they never went out after dark, he pushed through the chilling winds which whipped sand around him. "Obi-Wan!" he called into the blackness, but there was no answer. Carefully, he shuffled to all of Obi-Wan's favorite meditation points until he saw it, a heap lying in the sand.

With help from the force, he made his way forward, and gasped at what he saw. It was Obi-Wan. By the glow of the lantern he could see the blood that soaked through Obi-Wans clothes. In fact, through the shadows and darkness, he could see more blood than he could Obi-Wan. Raising the lantern, he saw Bantha tracks… Tuscan Raiders.

With strength he didn't know he possessed he lifted Obi-Wan and brought him home. Lying him down on the couch he went to clean up his wounds. "Come on, Obi," he whispered. "Come back to me." Tenderly, he tended to each of Obi-Wans wounds. He could detect a pulse, but it was faint. He felt his chest clench with guilt. "Oh, Obi, I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. Please… don't leave me. I'm just a stubborn old fool. Please…I didn't mean it. Honest."

Obi-Wan's eyes fluttered open. "Qui?" he said in a voice, barely above a whisper.

"Yes, Obi, I'm here. Oh Obi-Wan, I'm so sorry. I – I looked at the brochure for the living facility. We can go in the morning…"

But, Obi-Wan looked at him with blank eyes. He hadn't heard it. "I'm sorry for not being strong enough to care for you…for being a bad bondmate. I…" he exhaled, and his eyes closed.

Qui-Gon gasped in horror. "No… no… Obi… please come back to me…I didn't mean to do this to you." Tears flowed freely down his face. He waited to see Obi-Wan disappear, but he didn't.

Relief washed over Qui-Gon. He wasn't dead. That was a good sign. Maybe the force would heal him. He watched over Obi-Wan's still body, until he couldn't anymore. "Here," he said, putting Obi-Wan's lightsaber on the table next to him. He put Obi-Wan's hand on top of it. "It's your lightsaber. You left it home before." His fingers brushed over Obi-Wan's hand. It was so cold.

In an instant there was a flash of blue and Obi-Wan's body disappeared.

"No…" Qui-Gon whispered. He saw it all in fast motion: the force push, Obi hitting the wall… he imagined the Tuscan Raider attack and Obi-Wan defenseless. He had doen this. He had killed his bondmate. And, if that wasn't enough, it was Obi-Wan who died feeling weak and inadequate. Obi-Wan, who had always been there for him, who had taken the abuse from him, who loved him through Anakin, the fall of the Order, watching over Luke, his depression, and finally this blasted illness.

He recalled how he had wanted to show Obi-Wan that he was still strong. That he wasn't letting the disease run his life, and that he was still one with the force. 'I killed him,' he thought as he let himself succumb to his sobs.


	9. Decisions

"Excuse me?" Lisa asked, certain that she hadn't heard him correctly. She gently tugged on his shoulders, pulling him into a hug and letting him lean on her, like she usually did when he had a fever.

He jolted away from her, tearing himself out of her grasp. "Don't coddle me!" he snapped. "I hate it when you do that!"

"Since when?" she asked. She had prided herself on her ability to reach his gentler, more sensitive side. Apparently, she had been wrong – for a long time.

"Since the beginning," he admitted meekly. He knew that this would hurt her, if it ever came out. He hoped that it would only hurt her pride.

"I apologize," she said, gently. She thought over his admission of affection and his outburst regarding not liking her affections. "Master?" she asked, quietly. "Am I am the reason you're ill?"

He paused, unsure about how to answer. He had already said too much, and there was no telling what paths this conversation could go down. On one hand, yes, he wanted her to return his affections. On the other, he didn't want to lay guilt on her for any feelings that she did (or didn't) have.

She nodded at his silence. "I wish I understood what I did wrong."

"Hek-Kessh!"

"Bless you," she said, handing him another handkerchief.

"You misunderstand," he said, gently placing his hand on hers. He sighed deeply. He knew he wasn't supposed to tell her what was really going on, but he couldn't see another way out. He coughed huskily. "Sometimes, when a padawan becomes a knight, it throws off the inner balance of their Masters."

"That's to be expected. It's a major change in their relationship."

He nodded and cleared his throat. "Sometimes, when the Master has developed strong feelings for the padawan, they don't adjust to the new relationship as well."

"So, you love me," she said, processing the information. "And because my feelings for you are…different… you aren't recovering?"

"No, because I'm not adjusting to our new relationship."

She sighed. This was too much. "I need to take a walk," she said.

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Qui-Gon sat straight up with a scream. The first thing he saw was Obi-Wan's young, handsome, concerned face. "You're here!" he cried as he threw his arms around Obi-Wan and began to sob.

"Hey, it's okay," Obi-Wan said, in soothing tones. He held Qui-Gon firmly, and rubbed his back in small circles.

"You're here… I didn't kill you… you're still here," Qui-Gon said between sobs. He grasped at Obi-Wan, as if his tightest hug wasn't tight enough.

"Qui, I'm here… I'm here… you're not alone... I'm never going to leave you… not ever…"

Slowly, very slowly, Qui was able to regain control. "Thank you for saying those things to me," he said as he regained his composure.

"What things?"

"That you're not going to leave… I needed to know that you were there, just then."

Obi-Wan looked down. "I-I didn't mean 'just then', Qui. I meant that …"

Hesitation was rarely an issue between them. "Obi," he sniffed, "what is it?"

"I love you, Qui. I want to be pair bonded."

Qui-Gon gasped with joy. "Really?" This couldn't be real. Surely this was another dream.

Before Obi-Wan could answer, the door bell chirped. "Be right back," he said, placing a firm kiss on his lips and going to the door.


	10. Awake

Lisa could tell that she'd come at a bad time the second she saw the elated look on Obi-Wans face. Quickly, she rubbed a hand over her face to wipe away the tears.

"You told him?" she asked. Obi-Wan had long since confided his feelings for his master to her.

He nodded. "Yea," he whispered.

"I take it, it went well then?" she asked, trying to find a way to break away from the conversation that wouldn't cause him to get suspicious.

Another nod. Another, "Yea."

She forced a smile. "That's great. Um… well, I'd better leave you it then." It wasn't a graceful exit, and she wasn't surprised when Obi-Wan put a hand on her shoulder.

"Are you okay?" he asked probing her with the Force.

"Not really. But, I will be. You go work things out with your Master… um… Qui-Gon."

Obi-Wan's face fell. "Is this about Adi Mundi? Is he getting sicker again?"

She didn't know how to answer him. "Don't worry about it," she insisted. "Tell Qui-Gon, I hope he's feeling better soon, and to look me up when he does."

Obi-Wan nodded. She'd never closed herself off like this, but he was certain she had her reasons. "Well if you need anything…"

'I'll leave you two out of it,' she thought as she nodded and said, "I'll ask."

swswsws

She stood outside the crèche. "What am I doing here?" she thought to herself. But, she knew what she was doing there. She loved playing with the children. They liked playing hide and seek with her because she always came up with the best places. She liked hanging out with them because everything always seemed so simple when there were children.

"Here," the crèche master said, handing her one of the infants. "Just have him back by feeding time."

Lisa nodded, already whispering nonsensical words to the child. She brought him out into the gardens and smiled as he laughed and burbled in her arms. "Someday you'll have a Master," she said. "And I'm sure he or she will love you, and you them…" she trailed off. She remembered her deep feelings for her first Master – Losha – and felt them take her breath away. She clenched the child tighter to her as she remembered watching him fall – his green light saber clattering to the ground… and his last words to her. The real last words. Not what she told the Council. "What are you doing here?"

She smiled at the child, who took the clench as a hug and started to nuzzle into her chest.

Her memory flashed to Mace, as he asked her the same question, when he opened his chamber door for his morning stroll, and found her in quiet meditation on his stoop. He was the only one she ever told about her strong feelings for her second master – Adi Mundi. Mace convinced her that she was projecting her feelings from Losha onto Adi Mundi and that it wasn't a fair or just action.

She trained herself out of feeling that way. Her training was aided by Adi Mundi's reluctance to nurture the healer part of her training, and his insistence to create a general. As his tolerance for her other abilities grew, though, she became more fond of him. She cared for him when he ailed or was hurt. As he did for her. 'But, isn't that was a Master and Padawan do for each other?' she pondered.

She remembered how his smiles warmed her, and the lengths that she would go to in order to ease his sadness or pain. She remembered Qui-Gon telling her not to let her emotions rule her head. Suddenly, things started to make sense to her: she did love him deeper than a Padawan should love a Master. But, there were things he had to know before he could truly love her. And, telling him those things worried her.

Swswswswsw

"Who was it, Obi-Wan?" Qui-Gon asked. The gruffness in his voice had eased, and he looked more relaxed, though the tears had not stopped brimming in his eyes.

"Lisa."

"Is she okay?"

"She will be. Or at least that's what she said." He sat back down on the bed.

"How distraught was she?" Qui-Gon asked. His stomach flipped at the thought of what Lisa could want. She was quite capable of handling herself – and her ex-Master. He hoped that Adi-Mundi didn't say anything that he would regret.

He shook the thought away and gazed at Obi-Wan. "Pair bonded?" he asked, disbelieving that the conversation had even started.

Obi-Wan nodded.

"Then you need to know something about force sensitivity. I won't let you enter into this relationship without understanding exactly what kind of future you're agreeing to." The aged, bloodied lump of Obi-Wan flashed through his mind.

"What's there to know?" Obi-Wan asked. "I've spent more than half of my life with you already. I know your allergies, your fears, your concerns, what makes you smile, what makes you laugh, what turns you on… I know so much about you. But, I want to know more. I want to be there for you, with you, every day that the Order allows us."

Qui-Gon sighed sadly, and felt a wave of nausea hit him as he saw himself push Obi-Wan into the wall. He winced as he heard the thud all over again. He was unable to get the dream out of his head. "There is more," he said in a hardly audible whisper. "So," his memory flashed to Obi-Wan disappearing, "so," his memory flashed to his attacking Obi-Wan, "so much more."

Distraught, Obi-Wan bit his lip. "What is it?"

"In their golden years, force sensitives become susceptible to mental defects. Our minds wear down, and we start losing our sense of reality versus fantasy. We become belligerent, violent, and needy. I don't want to surprise you with that." The brimming tears rolled over the edges of his eyes.

"Qui," Obi-Wan said, pulling him close. "it's okay. Whatever comes, I'm going to be there for you."

'_Qui, I love you,'_ he heard in his head. He saw himself breaking down in Obi-Wan's arms. He knew that Obi-Wan would love him until his last breath. But, he didn't want to be the cause of it.

swswswswswsws

"Master?" Lisa asked, tip-toeing into Adi-Mundi's dark chambers. She smiled and chuckled a little. She never could get out of the habit of calling him Master. She crept into the room, but soon realized she didn't have to.

He was sitting up on the couch, a blanket over his lap, sound asleep. He snored deeply and muttered a bit before trying to find a more comfortable position.

She sat down next to him and pulled him over, so that his head naturally dropped onto her shoulder.

"Trying to wait up for me? That's kind of you Master. But," she hesitated. She had decided that she was going to tell him the truth. All of it. About her feelings for him, about the future she wanted, and – most importantly – about how her first Master (Losha) had died.

"Master?" she whispered, brushing her hand gently against his cheek. She could feel the flutterbys forming in her stomach. How often throughout the years she had wanted to show him this sort of gentleness and caring. But, he had generally been too strong – too proud – to receive this sort of care. "Ki…" she prodded.

Slowly he pulled his eyes open. It was dark with only the light from the moon shining in the window. The city lights had dimmed, meaning that it was about four hours before the dawn. "Lisa?" he whispered, his voice hoarse from sleep, "Are you-." A harsh cough kept him from finishing his question.

"I am fine, Ki," she whispered softly.

At his skeptical look, she tried again.

"I accept your feelings for me, and I welcome them."

He was elated. His heart lept and he couldn't keep the smile off of his lips.

"Before you get too exceited, I have to show you the truth about what really happened to Master Losha."

He paused: the smile disappearing instantly.

She took that moment to continue. "You can't love me without knowing me. And, you can't know me without knowing the weight that I carry."

Adi Mundi sat up straighter. He remembered when she had returned with her deceased master. Everyone was in agreement that she was holding something back. But, after she told Master Yoda, it was determined that it was her choice to bear the secret alone. He had never asked for the story – assuming it would come out eventually. But, as the years passed he learned to accept that the story might never come out. Finally, so many years passed that he felt it wasn't worth bringing up anymore. After all, she had learned quickly that you can't live in the moment if you are living in the past.

"First," she started. "Do you remember the mission where you and I were on the team with Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan, and you stated that I had killed Master Losha?"

How could he forget? She told him that she no longer wanted to be his Padawan that night. And he couldn't blame her for it. She had surprised him with her fierce loyalty to him though. Especially when she remained his Padawan – even after the mission. He nodded.

"You weren't far off," she said slowly.

His breath caught. "I don't understand," he forced out.

"I have to show you. I can't explain it." What she didn't' say was that she had thought about it so much that it had set itself to music. She closed her eyes and started to let the thoughts through.


	11. End of Innocence

xx The song is 'Sally's Song' from The Nightmare Before Christmas, as done by Amy Lee – on Nightmare before Christmas Revisited. xx

_I sense there's something in the wind…_

Ki Adi Mundi saw himself in a cavern. The rock walls were precariously cut by those who had carved it. He watched as a much younger Lisa walked in accompanied by her then Master, Losa. As they entered the room, he realized that he was standing in an infirmary. Beds were carved into the rock and many beings were lying on the floor. Blankes were sparse and he could see that sick and wounded that lay around him.

"The war has raged for many years and our people are dying at an alarming rate. We, who have survived, ran down here to the caverns. But, they know where we are, and they have been steadily wearing down the compounds defenses. All we really need from you, Master Jedi, is to help prepare those remaining for the transports. We have decided that abandoning the planet is more feasible than winning the war."

Adi Mundi chucked at the awe and wonder and seriously in Lisa's eyes. He had never seen her look at anything with that level of innocence. He had the suspicion that he was about to see the reason.

…_that seems like tragedy's at hand._

"Lisa, use the supplies we brought and tend to the people in here. Use your training. You will know what to do."

She nodded and started walking around the room, striking up conversations as she went.

Ad Mundi smiled. She still did that: asking questions that were seemingly unrelated in order to get people to talk and move. She was doing an assessment. He was already proud of her.

_And though I'd like to stand by him…_

Lisa watched as her master went into the next room of the cavern. They had been informed that there were two rooms. One for the recovering and one for the dying. She had been assigned the recovery room.

Although, she was concerned about how the other would affect her master, she knew that she was not welcome there. She had her own job to do, and she would do it.

Adi Mundi received these thoughts and feelings as if they were his own. He understood her apprehension, both for her situation and for her master. But, he was impressed that even at a young age she had the focus and drive to do her job.

…_can't shake this feeling that I have._

Adi Mundi watched as Lisa got the supplies and started tending to her patients. Most seemed friendly enough – either making polite conversation or light teasing or both. Thought this, he could see her gain confidence in herself and her abilities. Then it happened.

She was tending to one man's open wound when he grabbed her and tossed her aside with such force that she fell to the ground.

He could see the look of 'I should have seen that coming' cross her face as she got up and walked out into the hallway for a moment.

_The worst is just around the bend._

Adi Mundi approached the hallway and furrowed his brow in confusion.

Lisa was in the hallway with her hand pressed against the walls. Her head was bowed and her shouldered shook with sobs. She was crying, he realized with some surprise. It never dawned on him that she could cry. He realized how silly that saw. She had tear ducts, but he had never seen her use them.

"Lisa?" he heard Master Losha's voice and watched as he approached her. "What's happened?"

"So hopeless…so helpless… so much…," Lisa mumbled. "And they're going to die. I just have this awful feeling that they're all going to die." She gazed towards the door of the cavern wishing that she could go outside for some fresh air.

_And does he notice my feelings for him?_

Adi Mundi felt Lisa long for her master's touch.

Master Losha pulled Lisa into a hug. "You are taking care of the ones who will live. I am not so cruel as to give you those who will die. Not before you are ready."

She gazed into his loving aqua eyes.

Adi Mundi could feel the love and respect which flowed between the two.

"I'm sorry I am not yet strong enough," she whispered.

"You will be a strong padawan someday. And then a strong knight and master," he replied.

_And will he see how much he means to me?_

She beamed in response.

"Come. Show me what you've already done."

She led him back into the room and detailed – more telepathically than verbally each person's issue and what she had done in response.

_I think it's not to be._

"You're not diagnosing accurately," he said. "Go fix that which you made worse," he continued before going back into the other room.

Heartbroken, she went to re-run the diagnostics on each patient.

_What will become of my dear friend?_

Lisa and her master lay on the small pallet, snuggled into each other for warmth. Although they had been warm while they were working, since they had stopped they felt the cool winds that traveled through the tunnels.

"Master?" she asked when he did not stop shivering. "Are you well?"

"As well as can be expected," he answered, his voice congested with exhaustion.

"Are you sure? You seem not yourself."

Adi Mundi watched as Losha brushed off her attempts to help. Although she didn't understand the feelings at the time, Adi Mundi knew the sensations that that Losha was feeling all too well: burnout.

_Where will his actions lead us then?_

Lisa and her master lay on the small pallet, snuggled up for warmth. Although they had been sweating while the were working, now that they had stopped, the bite of the wind was chilling.

"Master?" she asked, when he did not stop shivering. "Are you well?"

"Just processing the feelings. You will understand as you progress."

Adi Mundi thought about that. He remembered training that instinct out of Lisa as well. The more he learned about the natural abilities and coping mechanisms of healers, the more he realized how exceptional Lisa actually was.

Those who were able clapeed and the rest cheered. Feelings of anticipation, anxiety, safety and hope swirled around them. But, Lisa was worried. 'I'm a healer…at best…' she thought, sadly.

'But, you are not the best healer,' her Master's thought echoed in her head.

Adi Mundi swallowed hard. He knew that Master Losha was burnt out. But, that was not what Lisa needed to hear just then. She needed a confidence booster. He sadly remembered how hard he had to work to bolster his apprentice's confidence, how confused he was about her low self esteem was, and her surprise at any kind words when the situation was less than perfect. 'That's not fair,' he thought.

_Although I'd like to join the crowd…_

Lisa listened to her Master fill the crowd with hope about how they will recover and fight back stronger…bolder… and push the invaders back.

_In their enthusiastic cloud._

The crowd assembled rallied and cheered. But, Lisa felt and impending sense of dread. She couldn't believe that her Master would lie like that. 'They may recover, she thought, but it'll take everything just to get them out of this place alive.'

_Try as I may it doesn't last._

Lisa signed. She had convinced her Master to eat a little and get some lseep – finally. The had been in the compound for two day s and the enemy was literally at the gates. The compound defenses were doing a wonderful job of holding their own, but they both knew that it was only a matter of time before the enemy overran the compound.

Lisa stared at her Master's sleeping form, feeling the powerful effects of relaxation begin to overwhelm her as well. He looked tired, even in his sleep. But, he did not look worried.

She was worried. As sleep finally overtook her, she wondered if worry was something she would outgrow.

_And will we ever end up together?_

The next morning they emerged from their room more rested. But, she was still worried. "Master, may I stay and help you today?" she asked, trying to shield her emotions.

"No," he answered. "If those I'm working with ever so much as suspected your attitude they would lose the will to fight. You're best off staying where you are. "You're needed there," he added as an afterthought.

Lisa nodded sadly. "I'm sorry, Master."

"Nothing to be sorry for. Eventually, I'll teach you how to work with the terminally ill. But, now is not the time."

"Yes, Master," Lisa whispered. She continued to shield her feelings, and put forth a mask of steady eyes and a friendly smile.

_No, I think not. _

Lisa watched as her Master smiled at the woman in charge of the terminally ill came to him. Lisa bowed her head and sighed.

Adi Mundi felt her longing for him to look at her like that. Then it dawned on him. He had always assumed her need to touch and be touched had to do with Losha's training. Suddenly, it was dawning on him that it had to do with her being a intuit healer. He remembered that as he trained her, the need for her to touch and be touched seemed to dissipate. Never – until this moment – had he thought that it may have been a intuit need that she trained herself out of.

_It's never to become._

Master Losha stood before Lisa, as the walls shook around them. "I am going to the front to fight. You stay here, and guard the sick. Do not leave until I come to get you, or there is no reason for you to stay. Is that clear?"

Adi Mundi saw the concern in Losha's eyes, but he wondered if Lisa did. The concern was masked by direct action. Trust in her to do her job, far away from the fighting. But, Lisa gave no indication of anything except a padawan dutifully accepting a direct order from her Master.

_For I'm a bad padawan._

Hours had passed since her Master that left the compound. Sounds of war filled the air, and the compound shook with each blast. Lisa knew that she should be talking to those around her, but she couldn't think of what to say.

Suddenly, the room shook with such force that the walls and ceiling came down around her. Startled, she held up what she could with the force. But, it was too little – too late. She had only focused on an area large enough to protect herself.

She looked at the rubble and carnage around her, stunned and guilt ridden. She hadn't protected them at all.

Another blast shook the compound more, and more rubble fell from around her.

Adi Mundi watched, horrified, as her innocence was shattered, and the force of it held her in place. 'Run, Lisa. Run!' he thought at her, but of course, she couldn't hear him. For a moment, he thought that she was going to be buried in the rubble. But, at the last moment, she ran with everything she could, barely making it out before the entire cavern collapsed.

When Lisa emerged on the surface, the battle was going on in full force. She lighted her lightsaber and prepared for defensive action. Droids, blaster bolts, and shuttles were unleashing their fire power faster than she could track.

Her run slowed to an uneasy walk as guilt consumed her. Then she heard it: the unmistakable swish of a lightsaber.

_And will we ever…_

She was being closed in on and overwhelmed. With solemn focus, she ran full force at him.

…_end up together?_

Alerted by her force signature, Losha looked up surprised.

_No, I think not…_

In that instant, a blaster blot hit him in the back.

Lisa watched in horror as he lurched and dropped to the ground.

_It's never to become_...

Lisa sped up and cut down the opposing forces, before dropping to her knees.

"Lisa, what are you doing here?" Losha asked, as she rolled him onto his side.

"The cavern collapsed. I couldn't save them," she said hurriedly. "But, I can save you."

_For I'm a bad padawan._

"No, you can't," her Master answered honestly. And with that, he was gone.


	12. The Visitor

"Where's Obi-Wan?" Qui-Gon demanded of the figure in black.

The figure moved slowly towards him and chuckled. "How much did you think you could abuse him before he left?"

"I never," Qui-Gon paused for a moment. He felt a slow tickle build in the back of his nose. He went to cover the lower half of his face, but found that he was tightly bound to the wall. A perplexed look crossed his face.

"You're slipping, Quiggy. First me, then Obi-Wan.

Qui-Gon snapped to attention. Quiggy. That name. Only one person ever called him by that name. "Heh…" the sneeze was starting to work its way out. "Xanatos? Where's Obi-Wan?" he replied breathily.

Xanatos came so close that Qui-Gon could feel his breath. The heat made his nose tickle all the more. "You've really killed him Qui. He's so battered and bruised that the medics say he may never look the same again. And, he may lose sight in his right eye. So much for his precious lightsaber skills."

Guilt and shame washed over Qui-Gon. 'What have I done?' he wondered, too depressed to even attempt to stop the sneeze that barreled out of him and sprayed Xanatos wetly.

"Eyah!' Xanatos yelled, jumping back and back handing Qui-Gon across the face.

Qui-Gon didn't even flinch. He didn't deserve to flinch.


	13. Acceptance

Adi Mundi and Lisa broke their connection and looked at each other quietly.

"I wish I'd known," Adi Mundi whispered.

"Would you have taken me if you did?"

"No," he answered honestly.

She remembered the night in the transport when he told her that she had killed her last Master. At that moment, she was certain that he knew the whole story. Mace knew, as did Yoda. She had no reason to believe that the other Masters didn't know as well. "Oh," she whispered.

They sat in silence again.

"Do you still love me?" she asked, holding her breath. Love was all but forbidden by the Jedi order. For him to have confessed such strong emotions was rare unto itself. But, for him to continue to have those feelings now that he knew the truth – it was nearly impossible.

". I trained a spy – I used your healer tendencies to teach you how to feel out people.

Now that I know what you went through, and how you had to retrain your very being to learn from me… that amount of love and respect… Lisa, it makes me love you more."

Lisa smiled and the two of them sat in companionable silence.


	14. The Breakdown

Qui-Gon sniffled into his handkerchief. 'A summer cold?' he thought. 'What kind of Jedi gets a summer cold?'

Obi-Wan walked in, his arms burdened with packages. "How are you feeling, Master?" he asked, putting the supplies away.

"Huh-GUSHoo!"

"That good?"

"Why do you call me Master? You lost that right when you turned."

'Oh no,' Obi-Wan thought. After the fall of the Jedi Order, he and Qui-Gon settled on Tatooine. Soon after arriving Qui-Gon started having flashbacks to darker days. Today, Qui-Gon though that Obi-Wan was Xanatos.

"Thank you for taking me back," Obi-Wan said humbly. He tried to turn his beld so that his lightsaber wouldn't show, but his finger slipped and ignited it.

Within seconds, he was cut down by Qui-Gon's lightsaber.

swswswswswswsw

Qui-Gon opened his eyes with a start. Obi-wan was asleep next to him, his arm draped protectively around Qui-Gon's torso.

Sweat dripped from Qui-Gon, due to more than just fever. "Huh-GUSH-oo!" he sneezed heavily.

"Bless," Obi-Wan mumbled in his sleep.

Qui-Gon tried to concentrate on the Force. Should he keep this young man in his house, only to turn on him…to kill him? He felt cold, inside and out. Before he could concentrate on the Force, he started to sob.

"Huh-GUSHHkewsshoo!" he sneezed wetly. The sneeze was so heavy that it made him dizzy. "Hetchkew! HuhGUSSH! Heptchechoo!" He shivered with cold and felt panic rise within him as he wasn't sure if he was going to keep sobbing or pass out.

Obi-Wan watched Qui-Gon, and knew that he needed to get Qui-Gon help.


	15. Regrets of a Master

"You know, you aren't a bad Padawan," Adi Mundi said at breakfast the next day.

Lisa shrugged, but said nothing.

"I mean that."

"Eh…there were times…"

"I was hard on you."

"It was your right."

Adi Mundi had never realized how much guilt Lisa carried with her. She always worked hard to please him. But, he knew that all Padawans did that. He remembered them fighting as she grew up, but never over anything serious. He remembered yelling at her and saying that she killed her previous Master. Guilt tugged at his heart as he realized why she reacted the way she did. He released his guilt to the Force and tried again.

"You had such great intuition and focus."

"And, thanks to your training, I'm one of the most utilized spies in the Order."

"I know I didn't enhance your healing abilities. If I could go back, I would have paid more attention to those."

"Master – Ki – why wish to go back in time? You were a fine Master. The best. And, I was able to apply what you taught me during my trained focus to my intuitive focus."

Adi Mundi smiled. "Like I said," he said, taking a sip of his juice, "not bad at all."


	16. Pushed

Qui-Gon fidgeted as he sat in front of Lisa, her healer's stare seeming to bore down to his very core. Obi-Wan sat next to him, hands folded in his lap, looking to Lisa with a pleaded stare that made Qui's heart melt.

"Nightmares?" she asked softly.

Both Qui-and Obi-Wan nodded, but said nothing.

"About Xanatos?" she prompted.

Qui-Gon stiffened. /You told her?/ he cast at Obi-Wan, through him an angry glare.

/Talk to her Mater. It'll help./

Qui-Gon sulked for a moment, arms folded across his chest. "Yes," he whispered after a brief hesitation.

"And your symptoms?"

As if on cue Qui-Gon sneezed heavily.

"Better," Obi-Wan answered. "They seemed to have come to a head a few nights back, and now they are disappating." He looked at Qui-Gon who nodded once, but said nothing.

"Qui, I'm not a mental healer. I'm just a friend. If you don't want to talk, you don't have to," Lisa offered.

Qui-Gon shrugged. "What do you want me to say?"

After a few more moment of silence, Lisa turned to Obi-Wan. "If he's not going to talk, you can't make him. You have to respect his wishes."

"I need you to push him," Obi-Wan stated.

"I'm still here," Qui-Gon said, but the other two ignored him.

Lisa took a deep breath. 'Pushing' used verbal, physical, and Force stimuli in order to force an emotional release. "It's okay, Qui, I know the real reason you don't want to discuss it is because you don't care about Obi-Wan."

"Pushing is not going to work, Lisa," Qui-Gon replied calmly.

"Who's pushing? I mean it. If the Force has granted you the gift of foresight, and you won't use it – well, what's the point? Unless, of course, you relish the thought of killing Obi-Wan. Did you learn nothing from Xana-."

She never got the change to finish her last sentence. In the blink of an eye, Qui-Gon had thrown himself against her, pinning her chair against the wall, and pressing his forearm against her throat.

"You know nothing of What You Speak." As he spoke the last three words, he released her throat only to slam it back again. She wanted to prod him to tell her what she didn't know. But, she could hardly breathe, let alone speak.

"Master, stop!" Obi-Wan yelled.

Qui-Gon whirled on him, letting go of Lisa in the process. "I'm not your Master anymore. You wanted a higher relationship, remember?" he barked.

"So did you! Until the nightmares!"

"Tell him, Qui," Lisa instigated. "Tell him that there weren't any nightmares. Tell him you don't want to be pair bonded.

He swung around in rage, throwing a fist that she was easily able to dodge.

Obi-wan watched his former Master rage. He knew that for Qui-Gon to release the instigation would have to be more serious and hit closer to the heart. "Qui, if this is what you're really like… I don't love you."

In an instant Qui-Gon's attack on Lisa stopped. A flood of emotions came crashing over him. He choked on a sob and fell to the floor.

Prepared for the release, Lisa caught him and lowered him down gently.

Obi-Wan crouched down next to Qui-Gon. "Qui, I love you. I always have. We'll work through this."

Realizing that he had played right into their push, Qui-Gon sobbed even harder. This time, though, he felt supported.


End file.
